You know those self-defeating thoughts that circle through your mind again and again?
The ones that tell you that you’re: ‘not good enough. You’re not worthy. You can’t do this. Who do you think you are? Don’t trust them. Don’t try. Don’t talk. Don’t let them see you. Stay small. Stay safe.’
Yeah, those fuckers.
I call them ‘Thought Goblins’. 😈 They show up outta nowhere, and then get stuck on repeat.
I’m gonna be real here for a minute and share that it has been a struggle lately. Not only have my Thought Goblins been loud, but they moved in for a bit. 🙁
These were old stories being resurfaced. After all the work I’d done to heal, why were they being resurrected? It physically hurt. I didn’t want to live in those old narratives any more, but I couldn’t seem to escape.
I tried desperately to quiet them. For weeks, I tried to challenge the thoughts, interrupt them, replace them, rise above them – anything to escape the loops. But they kept circling like vultures anyway. Repeating the same old warnings as though they have been assigned the mental Wardens of my mind.
Doubts & fears I had sworn I had long outgrown, came slithering back out of the shadows.
I know I’ve mentioned it a few times recently, but it’s definitely been an excavation. Everything buried is being brought to the surface. Like some unseen hand had tipped over the hourglass, and everything buried had to pass through me again. I was being bombarded with so many individual grains of sand! 🥵
I had tried for weeks to quiet my self-doubt. I had used all the tools in my tool kit and nothing was helping for long. I was getting desperate. During a walk with my family one evening, I decided to be open with them about my struggles.
My awesome husband, The Emperor, as he always does, listened and lovingly offered ideas for things I could try, or ways I might stop them, and never have to think those thoughts – ever again.
“I shouldn’t be thinking that,” sounds nice on paper, but it does nothing to stop the torment of 40+ years. I have been battling some of these Thought Goblins my entire life – like really in the trenches with that 💩.
But standing in the middle of the forest path that day, I finally got the memo to stop fighting them – because that was the reason they kept fighting back.
I wondered, out loud to my family, “What if I just love it? What if I just love the part of me that feels it, instead?”
What if I acknowledge that this place, these fears inside me – come from places of hurt?
What if, instead of fighting against them, I understand why they exist?
——
The following morning, the Thought Goblins were waiting for me as soon as I opened my eyes. I was already being tormented by the Wardens before I had even had a sip of my morning coffee. When my son sat beside me and asked how I was feeling, I told him the truth. This particular vulture that morning, had a name: ‘Fear of Trusting People’
Such wisdom poured from this sweet soul, that it gives me hope for the future.♥️ He reminded me that I never had anyone – not one single person I could trust my whole life – until I met his dad. ♥️
In his own sweet words, he reminded me that my struggle to trust did not appear from nowhere. It grew from having no one safe when I was little.
This part of me was evidence of what I had survived. It existed to protect me because, at one time, that vulture was all I had. 🖤
For a few minutes, I really allowed myself to feel that empathy for the sweet & scared little girl I once was.
I placed my hand over my heart and acknowledged the Thought Goblin: ‘I see why you are here. I see why you learned this. I am so sorry that you had to. I understand why you are the way you are. I love you.’
I’m sharing this story with you, in case your own Thought Goblins have been exceptionally loud lately too. I know several people in my life are struggling with their own heavy stories right now. And I don’t have to tell any of you what a 💩show the World stage currently is.
I’ve got some great news though, guys! …
I think we’re ascending!! 😃
I know, I know. 🤪 But hear me out…
As we each embody and become more light, we become more aware of the shadows. Individually and collectively.
The shadows, the secrets, the unknown, and hidden-away – it all fucking flees like cockroaches when you turn on the light.
The fear, grief, shame, distrust, doubt, and old survival stories have to come out! They have to be seen. They have to be transmuted. What is hidden is being brought to the surface because we cannot carry all that buried weight where we are going. Everything we once stored in the basement cannot remain there anymore, because we are about to go – Next Level.
Look out at this big, scary world and you can see its shadows scattering like rats on a sinking ship.
Of course they are!!
Have you seen – you?? 🤩
Have you seen how bright your light is? 🔥
We have all been shining our lights so brilliantly, trying to do what we each can – to make the world a better place. Of course all that light is forcing the shadows out of hiding!
This is why so much that was once hidden: all of the corruption, all of the anger, ignorance, and the really dark, heavy stuff – is now being dragged out of the basement. It has to be reckoned with.
And if we can pause long enough to feel empathy for our own personal shadows, maybe – just maybe – we can recognize that the shadows rising through the Earth’s field, were also born from places of hurt? What if, we just try acknowledging the pain beneath them?
Listen, I know Love is hard. Especially when we are trying to love something that frightens us, embarrasses us, or has caused us – real pain. But maybe, we don’t always have to begin with love. Maybe, sometimes, just starting with acknowledgment is enough.
I see that you are hurting.
I understand where this came from.
Acknowledgment can become the doorway through which love – may one day, enter.
Maybe the Thought Goblins, frightened places, and the shadows emerging from the basement – don’t need another battle.
Maybe they just need someone willing to witness the hurt that created them.
💗Big Love & Many Blessings🌸
~ Amanda
Energy Alchemist • Ceremonial Guide • Community Weaver
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